Ready na lahat. Ready na lahat ng sumbat, sama ng loob… Napraktis ko na yung madrama kong pag-iyak. Syempre, dapat gabi yung oras…sa may dagat yung setting… ang mga karakter, Ako at syempre, sya.
Pyesta. Busy lahat. Yun lang yung time na pwede kami magkita kasi malaking gulo na naman pag may nakaalam na iba. Mahirap kasi mahigit isang taon na pero ganun pa din, kelangan pa din naming magkita ng patago. Oo, sobra isang taon na, pero, parang kahapon lang nangyari lahat. Di ko alam kung ano iisipin, kung ano yung dapat kong maramdaman… Parang blangko lahat. Kumakabog ng sobrang malakas dibdib ko…ninenerbyos ako. Nanlalambot tuhod ko…
Nakita ko na siya.And damn, bakit ganun? Bakit yung pakiramdam na inaasahan kong maramdaman eh wala? Oo, magpapakatotoo ako, namiss ko siya ng sobra, na matagal kong inantay yung araw na yun pero meron talagang kulang at hind ko pa alam kung ano.
(pause, bigla lang ako napaiyak…naalala ko kasi siya… pag naaalala ko siya, naalala ko yung sakit… yung hirap… yung mga gabing hindi ako makatulog. Yung mga oras na kelangan kong gawin lahat makalimutan ko lang na mahalin siya…Masakit eh. Sobrang masakit. Sobra ko siyang minahal)
Tapos, nagpaliwanag na siya… Masakit malaman na hindi ko mapaniwala sarili ko na totoo sinasabi niya. Naisip ko, “after ba ng mahigit sang taon, yun yung paliwanag na makukuha ko? Na maririnig ko..? bakit parang hindi worth it..? bat ganun..?” Sobrang pagpapaliwanag ginawa niya at alam kong alam nya na hindi ako naniniwala…. nawala yung lahat ng sumbat ko.. wala yung pag-iyak ko… hind nangyari yung scene na matagal ng nagpe-play sa utak ko. The whole time, ako yung naging listener and he was the speaker… natapos pag-uusap naming na hindi ako satisfied na hindi ko nailabas lahat.
Alam niya na wala ng pupuntahan pag-uusap namin. He said, na ihahatid na niya ko and he asked me kung pwede niya kong yakapin for the last time. I agreed. He hugged me…napakahigpit ng yakap niya. His embrace was my home. His kiss was my happiness and for me, he was love… HE WAS. Nung niyakap nya ako, he kissed me on my forehead and sa pisngi ko. Then he hugged me again…halos hind ako makahinga. And I miss that moment. Parang it was a very blissful moment kasi nung time na yun, dun ko narealize kung gano ko siya namiss… kung gano ko siya minahal. Kung pano siya naging importanteng part ng buhay at puso ko. But it was our goodbye. That time, I know that was it. He told me he still loves me and for me the feeling is not mutual anymore. I have learned to outgrow my feelings for him. Namaster ko na yun sa katagalan. And no matter what I do, he will be the man whom I was deeply in love with. It is the truth. I did fell deeply in love with him. Too bad, that love already ended.
Losing YOU has forced me to learn TO CHANGE THE WAY I FEEL INSIDE. I KNOW IT IS BETTER TO JUST LET IT GO…
We had our last kiss; our last touch.; last tender moment between us. We pretended nothings wrong. We cherished that moment both of us are in denial. ANd we both know it is too much for us to bear.
BAbe, maybe it is much better if we met under a different sky. and yet again, we had our last kiss, our last touch and our last tender moment. we had our last dance to our first ong..
Eto naman talaga yung inaantay ng marami na nakakaalam and involved. Pero ako, natatakot ako…Kasi up until then, hindi ko masort out yung nararamdaman ko. andami kong what ifs, what not… gusto kong i-freeze yung moment. Ilang araw na ba akong tensyunado? alam ko kasi na the moment I set foot to my homeland, 98% and chance na magkita kami…
It all happened one night. As usual, sa beach ang setting. The moment I saw him, I said to myself, “god I miss him…” Lahat ng sama ng loob, lahat ng pain, lahat ng worries nawala. He explained..We argued. He had a hard time explaining to me everything. He cried and i watched him silently. I badly wanted to wipe his tears and just hug him but i can’t…
the entire encounter, all i want to do is to embrace him…and yes I miss him! I miss him a lot!
…TO BE CONTINUED…
I saw him alive and I watched him slowly die.
He was so young. He has the whole world waiting for him. Innocence is still 98% attached to him. He was an only child.
I saw him smile, I saw him suffer; I witnessed his suffering, I felt his fear. I witnessed how his lips eventually turned blue. I know how hard he fought for his life…it was very evident in the heavy rise and fall of his chest. And I stood there watching… I felt so helpless… so guilty… and then, after 2 hours and before I go home, I heard the mourning loud cry of his mother. And I know he didn’t make it.
I can still hear his soft voice asking me, “dito po ba ako uupo ate?” “ate, nahihirapan po akong huminga…”
His innocence still haunts me. I met him for almost six hours but the memory of him fighting for his life will stay with me for the longest time possible.
Brave.
Young.
Andres.
May you rest in peace…
DENIAL:
“Bakit? Anong nangyari? May pagkukulang ba ako..?”
At first sobrang shock ako na hindi ko maintindihan yung nabasa ko. Then, a friend noticed my weird behaviour while I was staring blankly at my phone. She grabbed my phone and she read the text and she said, “putang ina, ano to?!” And that was it. That’s the only thing I need to hear. Yung may magkumpirma sakin na totoo yung nabasa ko.
Di ako makaimik. Basta nalaman ko na lang, sunud-sunod na yung luha ko. I know I’m not in the right place to break down. Nasa school pa kasi ako eh. Kahit Sunday nun, we were still reviewing for our upcoming boards. It was about 1 pm nun, then, the rest of the review, ala ng pumasok sa isip ko.
Hindi kagad ako pinayagang umuwi ng mga kaibigan ko. They insisted on letting me stay at their dorm coz they knew that I am still in the state of shock. Sumama ako sa kanila kahit gustung-gusto kong mapag-isa. I felt like any minute, I was gonna explode. While at my friend’s dorm, I kept on reading our last conversation. It was so sweet na wala talagang sign that break-up will happen next. Pinainom nila ako ng alak. Inom ako. Nakaubos ako ng isang bote. Sabi nung kabigan ko, ni hindi man lang daw ako nalasing. Hndi ko alam.. siguro ganun talaga. I felt so numb yet so painful…
Almost 9pm na ako umuwi. Para siguradong tulog na lahat sa bahay pag-uwi ko para di din nila makita yung mugtung mugto kong mata. Nung nasa jeep ako, my phone rang, number lang… Kinutuban ako kung sino yun… Then, I answered the call. Pambungad niya, “eph ako.” Mas nasaktan ako, hind na niya ak tinawag as “boss”. Sabi ko, “sino to?” sabi niya, “si _____ to.” Sabi ko, “hindi kita marinig.” Then I press the end button for the call. Tumawag ulit siya. Tatlong beses yata. Hindi ko sinagot yung phone. Ayokong marinig yung reason niya. I don’t wanna hear his voice kasi baka magmakaawa akong wag kaming maghiwalay…na baka hindi ko mapigilan yung sarili ko na pakiusapan ko siya na magstay siya sa kin. Until the end, pride umiral sakin. I know he wants to badly speak to me kasi wala syang narning na kahit na ano sakin. Since his last text, he never heard anything from me. I never confide to our common friends. Wala. As in wala. Kahit sakit na sakit ako, I never gave him an idea about how I took and accepted our break up. My purpose was to blind him about the effect of what he did to me. And I know I succeeded in that part.
SINK –IN
Then, I arrived home. Deretso kagad ako sa kwarto, ni hind ko na inabot yung kama ko. Pag ka lock ko ng door, napahiga na lang ako sa floor. I was in fetal position for almost three hours crying. Cryng so hard habang sinusubukan kong hindi marinig ng ibang tao sa bahay yung pag-iyak ko…. Namimilipit ako sa sobrang sakit. Gusto kong bayuhin yung dibdib ko to lessen the pain. Yung pain na hindi ko alam kung san galing. I was crying for almost three hours and nakatulugan ko na yung pag-iyak. Nagising ako ng almost 2 am ng madaling araw, narealize ko nasa floor pa din ako. Lipat kagad ako sa bed and my tears automatically fell. It’s like I was having a bad dream. A very bad dream.. that night was such a worse night. Automatic na lang ako nagigising to cry it’s like something’s waking me up just to remind me I need to cry more and I need to feel the pain more.
Then I went to school for my duty. The first time I saw my friend, I cried again. Nung mga time na yun, parang hindi ako nahihiyang umiyak. I cried in front of my rle groupmates and even in front of my prof. and parang nanadya yata talaga yung moment, I was assigned to a patient who committed suicide by drinking pesticide. My prof briefed me telling me that I have to give encouraging words to my patient. I did it. I have to be professional. Sabi ko sa kanya, “sir, kahit gaano kasakit yung pinagdaraanan natin, we have to live, kelangan pong kayanin natin yun. Kahit po gaano kahirap, kahit gaano kaimposible, kelangan po nating maging matatag kasi hindi naman po tayo bibigyan ng pagsubok ni God na hindi natin kaya.” I saw my patient’s tears fell. It was such a difficult time for me to give a positive advice to someone na katulad ko ding nasa state of emotional dilemma. After that, I excused myself, I went straight to the cr and cried for almost five minutes.
I was like a living dead the first few days, weeks and months. Every time my phone beeped, ring, I’m always wishing it was him. I know medyo absurd but at the back of my mind, I’m still wishing he’ll call me again and he’ll begged for me to go back to him but it did not happened..it never happened.
ACCEPTANCE:
Crying had been a big part of my days and especially nights since then. Naging everyday routine na yun sakin. Pag nasa terrace ako, nasa cr, nasa kwarto, kahit nasa jeep, kusang tumutulo luha ko. For almost 5 months, nag-antay ako ng texts and tawag nya. I never changed my number. I know he memorized my number but he never contacted me again. Every unknown number sending me text , iniisip ko siya kagad yun only to find out na hindi din pala.
I learned to accept na its really over for him and its still not for me. Moving on is hard and I know I have to endure the pain for as long as it is still there.
Then 6 months after, while I am at my room in angel’s hills, somebody texted me which really made my heart beat fast. And yes, It was him. At first we were having this usual “hello, how are you” conversation. Then, it got a little bit serious. He was saying sorry. I did not accept his apologies. He gave me a promise. That kind of promise that will make a broken heart long and believe again… Yun yung tipo ng pangako na gustung-gustong marinig ng mga pusong sawi. But God gave me enough common sense. I just said yes… And I never texted him ever again…
I know that there was too much history between the two of us. And there were so many special memories. We had many memories and most of all were happy and sweet ones. I have to admit that he was the guy whom I felt deeply in love with. Siya yung kauna-unahang lalaki na sineryoso ko. I know that there was a weird magic between the two of us. Ang malungkot lang dun, hindi nagtagal yung spark nung magic na yun..
After almost eight months, I was in baclaran church and I texted him and told him that I forgive him. I also asked him for forgiveness for everything I did to him. He told me still love me. That it never fade. I smiled. I was crying at the same time. I told him we both have to move on. Nung mga time na yun, alam kong wala na talaga. Na hanggang doon na lang kami. Maybe it was God’s decision… I came home without the heavy burden inside.
It took me more than a year to finally let go and moved on. Every time I look back, I can still smile. There’s no bitterness anymore. There’s no “what if and what not”…
There was “us”. But right now, “It is only me.”
Yes I had to cry millions of tears. I had to have those sleepless nights, those bitterness and regrets. But I accepted those with arms wide open coz I know that the more I reject the pain and the more I long for him to come back, I won’t be able to move on.
In my heartbreak, maturity envelopes me… many lessons were learned… it made me stronger. It even honed me into someone new and better.
And in my conclusion, I thanked him for being a part of me.
J))
they had a romeo-and-juliet kind of relationship…the girl was so in love. the boy as well…then, one fine afternoon, the girl had her first ever broken heart. she almost died. the pain was too much.
she never asked why. she mend her broken heart.
then,after a year, he called, explaining to her every thing. though it had been a year ago, she knew that he still has a space in her heart. and upon hearing his reasons, she loved him even more.
the sad part? they can’t be together again. reason? it is still too painful to reveal.
what if?what if not?
tragic?yes. but undeniably, it is indeed true love.
Button Theme
